MISCONCEPTION OF LOVE I
WHAT LOVE IS NOT?
Some think love is
- - Lust;
- - Infatuation;
- - Love at first sight;
- - Likeness;
- - Tolerance;
- - Giving;
*LUST ❤
This is a strong desire for something; and once the desire is met, it is most likely gone with it. Lust is a strong mental desire for something or someone and everything has to be done to satisfy this craving or longing. From the origin of the word 'lust' it means 'to desire', 'to covet', 'to set one's heart on something'. Lust is a very strong and intensive feeling that will only subside when its want (emotion) has been fulfilled. The strongest form of lust is most likely to be sexual lust. It is somewhat dangerous and could lead to all form of unnatural and unlawful acts. Lust births acts such as fornication, adultery, rape (using violence to fulfill one's lust) and unnatural acts such as bestiality and masochism.
Most people are likely to confuse sexual chemistry for love. First of all, sex is not love. It's a drive to fulfill a lustful pleasure the body wants. When you picture the word 'LUST', it often bring up the image of two people who wants something so bad (usually sex). It comes with so much energy that makes one act raw, out of control and animalistically. Lust is like a drug that obsesses, that drives, that makes you want a physical energy, a form of sensual touch without necessarily having an emotional connection - most of the time with no emotional connection. So if you're connecting sexually with someone you're not married to or planning to get married to, then it is just lust and ones it wears out, the relationship (or so called chemistry) ends. It is the reason why a lot of relationship are being tied down with the act of wild or energetic sex. It is the reason the youths and teenagers of this generation have high libidos rather than higher IQ. Lust is what makes the penises in this generation function better than the brain. It is the reason we no longer have new inventions, being filled with the spirit (as a Christian) or excel in good things.
When there is too much rush and tension or pressure in a relationship for sexual activity, it is most likely to be lust. If someone loves you and truly cares about you, then why the rush? You should be preparing for a future together, mapping out plans of a good life and bringing the best out of each other rather than engaging in acts that could destroy or get you easily uninterested in the relationship. Lust isn't love, it might sometimes have a long stint, but overtime it burns out, unlike love that endures.
When there is too much rush and tension or pressure in a relationship for sexual activity, it is most likely to be lust. If someone loves you and truly cares about you, then why the rush? You should be preparing for a future together, mapping out plans of a good life and bringing the best out of each other rather than engaging in acts that could destroy or get you easily uninterested in the relationship. Lust isn't love, it might sometimes have a long stint, but overtime it burns out, unlike love that endures.
*INFATUATION ⟴
Infatuation is an extravagant, stylish and short-lived form of passion that is exhibited usually by a young adult toward someone. It causes the person in question to be smitten and lost in a platonic and romantic feeling for another (Wikipedia). This is mostly an early stage in love, which if properly nurture could lead to a mature love and relationship. But most of the time, the one who was smitten is most likely to fall out of the early charm of love, either by getting disappointed after getting clarity of what was once an illusion or growing out of what looks like a childish feeling. According to Meher Baba: "In infatuation, the person is a passive victim of the spell of conceived attraction for the object. In love there is an active appreciation of the intrinsic worth of the object of love."
Therefore, infatuation is considered a form of false love, a shadow of love, an illusion from the real thing. You're mostly focused on the things that makes you attracted to the person rather than deeply connecting to the person you claim to love. Infatuation is very physical, and the love for the physicality often spring up an emotional connection, but the problem is, it is usually one-sided. The person who is infatuated is mostly the one who does all the work. He/She motivates himself/herself to stay connected by fantasizing, giving themselves all manner of illusion and false hope or even creating a fake bond in their heart just to keep the falsehood of love that looks so real. This is very unhealthy and could lead to an aggressive behavior. Most love psychopaths or sociopaths started with a form of infatuation for someone who didn't even know someone was in love with them. The only way infatuation can work is if both people involved are on the same page. It is just like crushing on someone and who doesn't even know you have such feeling.
Infatuation is that feeling you get when it looks like you just won a million dollars and you can't believe it. You spend little or no time on yourself and want to be with this person every time, you skip work or beneficial activities, you shut out families, friends and everyone else just to see this person you're so in love with. You always want to know what they're doing and where they'd be. This makes you more like a creep or a stalker. You always want to be seen by them like every minute. As interesting as you think this could be, it makes the relationship tiring and suffocating. Remember, there's need for space so you can both manage the little oxygen the earth is providing, seeing we're busy cutting down trees and depleting the ozone layer ☺.
Another way to tell that you're infatuated is; you keep placing such person on a pedestal of perfection. You see yourself has not so deserving to have them and that you're so lucky they even get to look at you. This is wrong on so many levels because no one is perfect. Human have flaws, they can err and have annoying traits sometimes, but it is okay to have these things. So people need to be loved for who they are and not who or what we want them to be. When you're infatuated, you feel like you know so much about the person you're in love with, you begin to make extra illusion of the type of person they're. You're so concerned about how they live their lives, what they do each day, what they want out of their lives, and even trying to imitate their lifestyle just to level with them. You get so jealous and envious when you see them talking to someone closely and you just want everyone to know that you're theirs. You always want to surface in the picture of their life so much you don't want them to have room for anyone else. You basically want to be their hand bag; come on, that's infatuation right there, that's not love. The Mercury Blog had this to say about infatuation: "If they forget to call, you wonder if you did something wrong and if it will affect your relationship negatively. If they are not feeling good and don’t look at you the way they normally do, you question if they are going to leave you forever. These intense feelings can make you think you love them so much you don’t want to lose them, but really you are just being insecure. You are not confident in how they feel about you."
Infatuation makes you crave so much attention, it makes you feel disconnected and alone. It generates fear, anxiety, despair and jealousy which in turn drains your energy and gets you tired almost all the time. What fuels infatuation is the obsession - it is the energy that keeps it going. Eventually, when it burns out, you become exhausted, very erratic, sad and angry most of the time. You know it is infatuation when you claim to love everything the person does, the way they walk, laugh, open their mouth, move their eye lids or lashes, or the way they pack their hair and you can't wait to spend the rest of your life with time because you don't want someone else to snatch them away from you. If you can't take your time to build then it is not love; because it won't last.
Therefore, infatuation is considered a form of false love, a shadow of love, an illusion from the real thing. You're mostly focused on the things that makes you attracted to the person rather than deeply connecting to the person you claim to love. Infatuation is very physical, and the love for the physicality often spring up an emotional connection, but the problem is, it is usually one-sided. The person who is infatuated is mostly the one who does all the work. He/She motivates himself/herself to stay connected by fantasizing, giving themselves all manner of illusion and false hope or even creating a fake bond in their heart just to keep the falsehood of love that looks so real. This is very unhealthy and could lead to an aggressive behavior. Most love psychopaths or sociopaths started with a form of infatuation for someone who didn't even know someone was in love with them. The only way infatuation can work is if both people involved are on the same page. It is just like crushing on someone and who doesn't even know you have such feeling.
Infatuation is that feeling you get when it looks like you just won a million dollars and you can't believe it. You spend little or no time on yourself and want to be with this person every time, you skip work or beneficial activities, you shut out families, friends and everyone else just to see this person you're so in love with. You always want to know what they're doing and where they'd be. This makes you more like a creep or a stalker. You always want to be seen by them like every minute. As interesting as you think this could be, it makes the relationship tiring and suffocating. Remember, there's need for space so you can both manage the little oxygen the earth is providing, seeing we're busy cutting down trees and depleting the ozone layer ☺.
Another way to tell that you're infatuated is; you keep placing such person on a pedestal of perfection. You see yourself has not so deserving to have them and that you're so lucky they even get to look at you. This is wrong on so many levels because no one is perfect. Human have flaws, they can err and have annoying traits sometimes, but it is okay to have these things. So people need to be loved for who they are and not who or what we want them to be. When you're infatuated, you feel like you know so much about the person you're in love with, you begin to make extra illusion of the type of person they're. You're so concerned about how they live their lives, what they do each day, what they want out of their lives, and even trying to imitate their lifestyle just to level with them. You get so jealous and envious when you see them talking to someone closely and you just want everyone to know that you're theirs. You always want to surface in the picture of their life so much you don't want them to have room for anyone else. You basically want to be their hand bag; come on, that's infatuation right there, that's not love. The Mercury Blog had this to say about infatuation: "If they forget to call, you wonder if you did something wrong and if it will affect your relationship negatively. If they are not feeling good and don’t look at you the way they normally do, you question if they are going to leave you forever. These intense feelings can make you think you love them so much you don’t want to lose them, but really you are just being insecure. You are not confident in how they feel about you."
Infatuation makes you crave so much attention, it makes you feel disconnected and alone. It generates fear, anxiety, despair and jealousy which in turn drains your energy and gets you tired almost all the time. What fuels infatuation is the obsession - it is the energy that keeps it going. Eventually, when it burns out, you become exhausted, very erratic, sad and angry most of the time. You know it is infatuation when you claim to love everything the person does, the way they walk, laugh, open their mouth, move their eye lids or lashes, or the way they pack their hair and you can't wait to spend the rest of your life with time because you don't want someone else to snatch them away from you. If you can't take your time to build then it is not love; because it won't last.
*LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT (LFS) ↭
This is very hard to explain because sometimes, it leads to genuine love (provided both work to attain it). It is the first feeling or emotion you get when you see something or someone and it becomes pleasant to your eyes. I liken it to that feeling you get when you something so sweet in your mouth for the first time. That soothing sensation in that moment is what is tagged 'LOVE at First Sight". But with time, if not nurtured, it dies away, just like we get tired of something or someone we used to like. Love at first sight is the first step that makes someone who was totally a stranger at some point to become an important part of your life. But the problem with LFS and why it isn't love is that it is based on physical or personality attraction; which is why it is used basically in romantic fiction to get the best of us, it actually doesn't always work that way.
Love at first sight gives a rather vague information and emotional pattern to the heart because it could occur by the following reasons:
1. You could fall in love with someone on the first meeting if the person matches the exact comparison you already have in your subconscious mind. For instance, you always had this feeling that the lady you like is one with a blond hair, not necessarily so pretty, good dentition and classic; and one happened to run into you on a warm Saturday afternoon as you took a walk along the park, you fall in love instantly, why? Your head is getting a love signals from your heart which suddenly says: "She's the one!".
2. You could love someone at first sight if you haven't been treated the way this person you're meeting for the first time is treating you. To him or her, he's just been kind, but for you he/she is everything because no one has ever done it for you before, so you immediately tag the person your "soul mate". Wrong move my dear, wrong move!
3. The Hero Syndrome: this happens when you fall for someone at first site because the person fixed a quick problem in your life which you were unable to proffer solution to. All of a sudden you begin to wonder how it would be nice to have such a person in your life who could help you stay centered and fix things going wrong in your life. This is a farce we all see in the movie, where a lady is saved by a guy and she's the first person she wakes up to see, and she goes: "Oh!, you saved my life, you're my hero, I'd love you forever." Well, this is real life, snap out of it.
So LFS is so much as what we have already conceived in our mind about who or what we want, so once it is standing right in front of our eyes, we can't help but fall at the sight it. But once we start seeing flaws and realize that what was seen at first was an illusion of our own imagination, we realize we didn't like them to begin with. It is also safe to note that intimacy, commitment and passion isn't necessarily strong in this first meeting - we're more likely to love people with beautiful personalities at first sight than other people. LFS is a bias emotional feeling, it is one-sided. Zsoks as this to say about LFS: "Love at first sight is actually experienced by people, but it's not so much "love" or "passion," Instead, it's a strong pull or attraction that makes someone particularly open to the possibilities of a relationship."
Reminds me of two movies scenes, the first is in the movie titled "Daddy's Little Girls" directed by Tyler Perry, the lady lawyer 'Julia' went on a date an met a young handsome dude who had all the fascinating looks and was the kind of guy she wanted; classic looking and all, but she was attracted based on the kind of man she wanted in her mind, but at the end of the date and the guy's wife and son pulled up on both of them as they were about to share their first kiss, she instantly fell out of love and ran for her life. She fell at first sight, but eventually she'd have fallen out if she realized everything they had was based on a lie. The second scene was in the movie titled "The Vow," Leo and Paige met at the parking ticket office and they both took a peek at each other and bam! That was it. They both smiled at each other. Leo then walked up to her knowing Paige already kind of liked him and it progressed from there. They got married and even when Paige lost her memory of him in an accident, she was still able to find her way back to him. They both worked it out because it was mutual.
1. You could fall in love with someone on the first meeting if the person matches the exact comparison you already have in your subconscious mind. For instance, you always had this feeling that the lady you like is one with a blond hair, not necessarily so pretty, good dentition and classic; and one happened to run into you on a warm Saturday afternoon as you took a walk along the park, you fall in love instantly, why? Your head is getting a love signals from your heart which suddenly says: "She's the one!".
2. You could love someone at first sight if you haven't been treated the way this person you're meeting for the first time is treating you. To him or her, he's just been kind, but for you he/she is everything because no one has ever done it for you before, so you immediately tag the person your "soul mate". Wrong move my dear, wrong move!
3. The Hero Syndrome: this happens when you fall for someone at first site because the person fixed a quick problem in your life which you were unable to proffer solution to. All of a sudden you begin to wonder how it would be nice to have such a person in your life who could help you stay centered and fix things going wrong in your life. This is a farce we all see in the movie, where a lady is saved by a guy and she's the first person she wakes up to see, and she goes: "Oh!, you saved my life, you're my hero, I'd love you forever." Well, this is real life, snap out of it.
So LFS is so much as what we have already conceived in our mind about who or what we want, so once it is standing right in front of our eyes, we can't help but fall at the sight it. But once we start seeing flaws and realize that what was seen at first was an illusion of our own imagination, we realize we didn't like them to begin with. It is also safe to note that intimacy, commitment and passion isn't necessarily strong in this first meeting - we're more likely to love people with beautiful personalities at first sight than other people. LFS is a bias emotional feeling, it is one-sided. Zsoks as this to say about LFS: "Love at first sight is actually experienced by people, but it's not so much "love" or "passion," Instead, it's a strong pull or attraction that makes someone particularly open to the possibilities of a relationship."
Reminds me of two movies scenes, the first is in the movie titled "Daddy's Little Girls" directed by Tyler Perry, the lady lawyer 'Julia' went on a date an met a young handsome dude who had all the fascinating looks and was the kind of guy she wanted; classic looking and all, but she was attracted based on the kind of man she wanted in her mind, but at the end of the date and the guy's wife and son pulled up on both of them as they were about to share their first kiss, she instantly fell out of love and ran for her life. She fell at first sight, but eventually she'd have fallen out if she realized everything they had was based on a lie. The second scene was in the movie titled "The Vow," Leo and Paige met at the parking ticket office and they both took a peek at each other and bam! That was it. They both smiled at each other. Leo then walked up to her knowing Paige already kind of liked him and it progressed from there. They got married and even when Paige lost her memory of him in an accident, she was still able to find her way back to him. They both worked it out because it was mutual.
*LIKENESS ↹
This is a common misconception; a lot of us just assume someone loves us because they like us. It's totally different.
"Never assume that someone is in love with you, it's a dangerous assumption" - Anonymous.
Like could lead to love but it isn't love. It's just a favorable pleasure you get from someone or something. Let's be careful with that one. The major difference between love and like is the depth of emotion they both possess. Likeness doesn't have a complete foundation so sometimes it is often controlling and could be obsessive. A typical example and difference is when you like someone, you try to do everything to impress them, talking, dressing and what not; but when you love someone you aren't really conscious of all this things because there's no need to impress them; they love you and you know you can be yourself around them.
*TOLERANCE ↸
Tolerance is defined as the ability or willingness to tolerate the existence of opinions or behavior that one dislikes or disagrees with. The point is: these views, or things or people are not what you like or are accustom to; but for some reason you just tolerate it for the time being, love will help you bear it all; but tolerance without love will cause an out-burst later, because you'll get tired of the whole scenario and move on to better things which you have always wanted.
Tolerance is also the capacity to endure continued subjection to something/someone that might even have an adverse effect on you, but without love it cause an unrest and makes you eventually set yourself apart from all those things or person. The holy book, makes us understand that only love; beareth all things (1 Corinthians 13:7)
Tolerance is the ability to diffuse things that bothers you without reacting. More so, as humans there is a limit, mostly due to the fact that there are people who seem to be hard to tolerate, but LOVE births tolerance which extends your limit of acting out - this is called PATIENCE. That's why we see some people who are capable of tolerating so much that we think they are just stupid or dumb. No, the Love they feel as extended their tolerance limit. So don't confuse someone who tolerates you as someone who loves you, it is just a matter of time before the love bubble burst. But most times, it is actually advisable for you to get your acts together so that you don't take people's love for granted.
*GIVING ⇲
From the Holy Book, The epistle written by Apostle Paul to the Corinthians gave us an eye opener that it is possible to give and not love; "And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor..... And have not love, ..... It profiteth nothing" (1 Corinthians 13:3; KJV)
This simply shows that it's possible to give and not have any ounce of love towards the giver. We have a lot of giving style these days;
- Giving because you want something in return;
- Giving because you want people to praise you;
- Giving because you want to be popular; and so on like that to mention but a few.
The fact that he showers you gift doesn't mean he loves you, the fact that he takes you on romantic dates, buys you expensive stuffs doesn't make him in love with you; he might just want something from you.
Don't at any point confuse this for love; even if he writes you tones of poems to appreciate your beauty, the least you owe him is a 'thank you'.
If he truly love you, it goes beyond just giving you extravagant gifts.
Stay tuned for the next edition of what love is...!!! For now, I'll leave you with these quotes:
*“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” ―Anaïs Nin
*“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night
imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” ― Louis de Bernières
**REFERENCES
Below are some of the materials used in proper explanation of the article on this blog, it wasn't all my idea. You can also check out the link on the reference for more information. Also use the comment section if you have any question, suggestion, addition or your own personal opinion.
- Wikipedia: "Definition of Lust" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lust
-Wikipedia: "Definition of Infatuation" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infatuation
- Mercury Blog (2016): "In love and relationship." 14 signs it is infatuation vs love. http://www.ilanelanzen.com/loveandrelationships/14-signs-its-infatuation-vs-love/
- Amanda Chatel (2018): "The difference between Love, Infatuation and Lust." The Bustle Blog https://www.bustle.com/p/the-difference-between-lust-infatuation-love-8886950
- Alison Segel (2017): "What's the difference between like and love in a relationship." Elite Daily Blog. https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/difference-between-liking-and-loving-someone/2018044
- Alison Segel (2017): "What's the difference between like and love in a relationship." Elite Daily Blog. https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/difference-between-liking-and-loving-someone/2018044
- John Alex Clark (2017): "Love at First sight: How it happens." Hey Sigmund Blog. https://www.heysigmund.com/love-at-first-sight/
- Zsok, F., Haucke, M., De Wit, C. Y., & Barelds, D. P. (2017). What kind of love is love at first sight? An empirical investigation. Personal Relationships, 24, 869-885.
- Zsok, F., Haucke, M., De Wit, C. Y., & Barelds, D. P. (2017). What kind of love is love at first sight? An empirical investigation. Personal Relationships, 24, 869-885.
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